Telehealth Therapy is NOT Tinder!

Telehealth Therapy is a new revolution. During the last two years 56% of Americans surveyed by VeryWell went from seeing a therapist in person to seeing them online during the pandemic, and many more Americans sought mental health services for the first time during COVID.

That means many folks had their first experience with therapy via telehealth therapy. 

I wonder if when do therapy on the same devices that we use to scroll on TikTok + Tinder, we might start to treat it like any other social media app?


You may be treating Telehealth therapy more like Tinder if:

  • You spend so long scrolling through the sea of profiles on therapy directories that you get overwhelmed with your options and begin to see each therapist as a picture, not a person. 

  • You find yourself reaching out to potential therapists based on appearances, not necessarily their specialties, certifications, or experience.

  • You feel burnt out from interviewing potential therapists and not yet finding the right fit.

  • You “swipe right” on as many therapists as you can with a blast of messages on Psychology Today or Therapy Den, and wait around to see what sticks.

  • You hop from one therapist to another, thinking that there is always a “better option” out there. 

I Never Thought I’d Have to Say This, But…Telehealth Therapy IS NOT Tinder!

While the therapeutic relationship involves components of intimacy like openness, sharing, and vulnerability, the therapeutic relationship is distinctly not romantic.

We can find humor in the similarities between interviewing and choosing a therapist and swiping through Tinder in this digital age, but in all seriousness, the way we communicate with one another (or avoid doing so) and build relationships on social media is very different from the way that we build the therapeutic relationship.

#1 For the sake of your wallet and your mental health, please don’t try to juggle multiple therapists at a time.

Of course, there are specific reasons you might decide to transparently work with two therapists. For instance, you and your partner may see a couples therapist, while you are in your own individual therapy with another therapist.

In general, though, there aren’t many reasons to see two individual therapists at a time, and in fact, too much therapy can actually do more harm than good and may lead to exhaustion and burnout.

So take your time when making the decision to reach out to a therapist - it’s a big one. Check out your options on sites like Psychology Today, Therapy Den, and Zen Care, and make use of the search filters on these sites to narrow down the results. For example, on Therapy Den you can filter therapists by their specialty, location, cost, ethnicity, gender, and more.

#2 Avoid the temptation to “swipe right” on every therapist you are interested in at once!

It can be tempting to spam many therapists at once with inquiries, but this strategy may leave you feeling overwhelmed with responses and likely to experience decision fatigue. Give yourself time to look through your options - take a few days to do your research and sleep on it if you need to.

As you scroll through profiles, make sure to check the following information to vet therapists according to your needs:

  • Their specialties and ideal client

  • Their experience and qualifications

  • Their fees, and if they work with insurance

  • Their bio, pictures, and videos to get a sense of how it might feel to work with them

  • Their availability

If you see someone who you think would be a really good fit but they aren’t taking new clients right now, reach out and see if you can get on their waitlist. Things are always changing on a therapists’ schedule, and you never know, they may reach out sooner than you think. 

Once you’ve done some research and it’s time to begin interviewing therapists, it’s all about quality, not quantity. Interviewing 1 or 2 therapists at a time gives you the energy and time to carefully consider what questions you might want to ask your therapist during your initial consult call.  

  • Are you qualified and/or able to help me with my mental health concerns? 

  • Do you have experience working with clients dealing with my mental health concerns?

  • What clients do you work best with? Are there any clients or issues that you won’t work with?

  • What type of therapy do you practice? 

  • Have you been to therapy yourself?

  • What are your fees? Do you take insurance? Do you have a sliding scale?

#3 Don’t bounce from therapist to therapist just to “see what’s out there”

There’s no way around it, the therapeutic relationship takes time to grow.

Before you begin work in therapy, you must first get to know and trust your therapist. We all do this at our own pace, and some of us require a bit more time in this phase before we can begin the deeper work of therapy.

When you have gotten to the point where you feel comfortable being vulnerable with your therapist and trying new strategies, it may take some time for you to notice the progress you’ve made.

Have you ever heard about the sleeper effect? It usually refers to a “delayed increase in the impact of a persuasive message.” In therapy, the sleeper effect can explain how oftentimes it takes a moment for us to process what we learn in therapy and integrate it into our daily lives. For this reason, Dr. Amy Cirbus suggests that folks give a new therapist 4-6 weeks before deciding to quit therapy or move on.

All that being said, sometimes you and your therapist are just not a good fit. Therapists are human, after all, and it’s possible that due to their own baggage, your therapist is not able to help you with your concerns. Or you might want a therapist who more closely aligns with your own cultural, gender, or sexual identity. Or maybe your personalities just don’t mix or you don’t like their style of therapy - that’s okay.

If after 4-6 weeks of therapy you decide not to continue working with your therapist, tell them!

#4 “Don’t Ghost Your Therapist!”

Don't ghost your tele health therapist

Photo from @noellebenach on instagram

Your therapist should accept your decision to move on and provide you with referrals and resources. If you are concerned about hurting your therapist’s feelings, know that therapy is not about your clinician’s comfort level, it’s about your mental health.

And besides, most therapists are actually quite hungry for client feedback. Oftentimes we don’t want to bother our clients with lots of unsolicited requests for feedback on how we are doing at our jobs but trust me, new therapists are always wondering, “how is this landing with my client? Was that intervention helpful? What is going well for my client? What could I be doing differently?”

Starting the conversation around termination with your therapist could look something like this:

  • "I realize that my goals have changed, and I'd like to stop therapy."

  • "I appreciate your help, and I'm ready to take a break from therapy."

  • "I don't think that we are the best fit, and I'd like to try working with another therapist."

And don’t be afraid to give your therapist any feedback you have about your time together and why you’d like to terminate. Your feedback will not only help your clinician grow, but it will also help them better serve the clients they see in the future.