Battling addiction can be a frightening experience, both for addicts and the people that love them. If your partner has made the decision to enter recovery, you may experience a rollercoaster of emotions. While these conflicting emotions can be confusing or distressing, know that they are all valid and reasonable. There is the optimism and hopefulness you experience seeing your partner make the commitment to break the hold that substances has on them, and the eagerness to see them live a life unburdened by addiction. However, you may also experience confusion or even frustration as you try to figure out the best way for you to be there for your partner during their recovery. You may feel anxiety and fear about the many unknowns ahead. You want to help your partner through this difficult time, but how?
If you are looking for ways to support your partner during recovery, here are a few suggestions for things you can do as well as conversations you can have with your partner to help make recovery more manageable for both of you.
Communication is essential in setting your partner up for the best chance of success in recovery. Work collaboratively with your partner to identify situations, emotions, or experiences that may trigger your partner, and make a plan for how to handle these situations as each arises. Here are some potential questions to ask as you and your partner make a game-plan for handling triggers:
What times were you more prone to substance use?
What people were you most often around while using? How did they impact your usage?
What places did you used to use that could trigger you into using again?
How have you managed urges in the past? What has been helpful? What didn’t work?
What proximity to drugs/alcohol is triggering for you? (How does it feel to have it in our house? To see it at the house of a friend we visit? To see it on a shelf in the store? Etc.)
Are there specific times of year that trigger your usage? What support is helpful during these times?
What behavior changes can we look out for that signal you’re not in a good place mentally?
What places make you feel safe? Where are places we can go where you either cannot or will not use?
When you feel the urge to use, what feelings are you typically experiencing?
What is the best way to leave a situation where you are feeling urges to use? How will you communicate that to me?
Your partner may not be aware of all their triggers right away, so it can be helpful to periodically check-in and see if anything has changed, or if your plans need reworking. By identifying triggers and potential pitfalls before they happen and tackling new issues as they pop up, you are letting your partner know that you recognize and understand that temptation is simply part of recovery, as opposed to a setback. Taking time as a couple to identify and name these things demonstrates to your partner that you’re invested in their recovery and want to give them the best chance of success. By working through some of these questions ahead of time, you will both be more prepared and informed if and when triggering situations arise.
If your partner’s substance use contributed to dysfunction within your relationship, you may be eager for things to return “back to normal” as soon as possible. However, as your partner begins to navigate the world through the lens of sobriety, they may realize they are unable to keep up with the demands of life in the ways they did before. Someone who has decided to enter recovery may have often used substances to help them function in a facet of their life, including coping with social situations, completing responsibilities, and regulating emotions. Recovery challenges them to re-learn how to meet these needs without using the tool they often relied on most. Accepting that there is no “normal” to return to and embracing the growing pains that come with finding a new way of being can be a difficult and frustrating process, both for you and your partner. Remember that even though they may be changing their mindset and their behaviors, your partner is still the same person as they were before. Give them your support and patience as they work to discover a new, healthier version of normal. Celebrate their successes and praise the positive changes you see them making. During a time where they may feel untethered, your belief in the person they are as well as the person they are working to become offers a solid place to land.
As you support your partner through their recovery, it is important to know your own limits. Remember that their journey in recovery is about them, not about you. Your partner is responsible for their own engagement in treatment, and it is not your responsibility or job to “save” them from their addiction. It can be tempting to try and insert yourself, especially if you notice them disengaging from their plan for recovery, but it may do more harm than good. When you view yourself as responsible for their recovery, you may find that you take the negatives that can come with recovery (mood swings, doubts about continuing in recovery, relapses) as reflections of you, rather than reflections of how difficult battling addiction can often be. You may find yourself feeling guilty if they relapse, and ruminating on what you could or could not have done to prevent it. Conversely, internalizing their struggles in recovery as personal betrayals can lead to resentment or frustration with your partner. Be sure to make taking time to take a step back and mentally check in with yourself a priority throughout this entire journey. Know when you are at your emotional limit and need to take a break to recharge. This may feel selfish, but you cannot pour from an empty cup. Validate your partner’s struggles and encourage them to seek out the supports they’ve previously communicated are helpful while you tend to your own needs. While you are involved in your partner’s recovery, you are not responsible for their sobriety.
You will be working through a lot of emotions as your partner continues their journey in recovery, particularly if your romantic relationship was impacted by your partner’s usage. In order to be able to help your partner through their recovery, it is imperative that you take care of your own physical, mental, and emotional needs. Meetings such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon Family Groups (support groups for those with a loved one battling alcohol addiction and drug addiction, respectively) can provide insight and connect you with other people who can empathize with and understand what you are experiencing. Many online communities dedicated to providing connection and support to those helping a loved one through recovery, and some are even specifically dedicated to those in romantic relationships. These communities can be resources for support, advice, or even just the sharing of common experiences. Additionally, seeking support from a therapist can provide you with a safe, nonjudgmental place for you to process your own thoughts and feelings. Your life does not stop because your partner is recovering, and you deserve support as you work through your own problems. Individual therapy help you work through struggles you may be having, both as an individual as well as in the context of your relationship.
Recovery is a not just one single moment of choice; it is a long-term commitment to change. Your partner, just like every person in recovery, must actively choose recovery every single day. You, in turn, continuously make the choice to show up for your partner and support them as they navigate their newfound commitment to a new life. However, showing up for your partner requires showing up for yourself, too; as stated before, you simply cannot pour from an empty cup. Taking care of your own needs, remaining open and curious about the future, knowing your individual boundaries, and keeping an open line of communication will not just be beneficial to your partner’s journey in recovery, but also help you and your relationship remain strong, grounded, and healthy.
Kat Filipov, LGPC (she/her), is a therapist at Space Between Counseling services. Kat works with individuals and couples located in the state of Maryland as they navigate substance abuse/recovery, anxiety, LGBTQIA+ related issues, life transitions, and more.
When not sharpening her counseling skills, Kat enjoys listening to music, hiking, spending time with family and friends, and continuing her search for Baltimore’s best cup of coffee.