What Is Internalized Homophobia?
Oftentimes we talk about coming out as the main barrier or event for LGBTQ+ individuals to live as they truly are. However, for many folks there is another barrier that can greatly impact the way in which they feel about themselves, their ability to feel proud, and their ability to accept themselves for who they truly are: Internalized Homophobia.
Internalized Homophobia definition
Internalized homophobia is what can happen when LGBTQ+ individuals internalize the messages of intolerance, bigotry, and fear from our heteronormative society. Celia Kitzinger referred to heteronormativity as, “Ranging from organizational to interpersonal spheres, the presumptions that there are only two sexes; that it is ‘normal’ or ‘natural’ for people of different sexes to be attracted to one another; that these attractions may be publicly displayed and celebrated; that social institutions such as marriage and the family are appropriately organized around different-sex pairings; that same-sex couples are (if not ‘deviant’) a ‘variation on’ or an ‘alternative to’ the heterosexual couple. Heteronormativity refers, in sum, to the myriad ways in which heterosexuality is produced as a natural, unproblematic, taken-for-granted, ordinary phenomenon.”
Heteronormative messages can be both overt and covert. These messages can come from many places, including family, friends, school, religion, media, and society as a whole. Overt heteronormative messages might include things such as religious teachings that homosexuality is wrong, a parent expressing disgust at a gay couple holding hands in public, or referencing homosexuality as a “phase” or “lifestyle choice”.
Covert heteronormative messages can be things such as only LGBTQ+ individuals having to come out or struggling to find a wedding photographer who has worked with gay couples before. When I think of covert heteronormative messages, I think about the way the church I attended growing up viewed homosexuality. It wasn’t outright shamed, but instead was just not mentioned and ignored. I learned that if someone was gay, they should be quiet about it because it wasn’t something you talked about.
Oftentimes growing up with these heteronormative messages can lead to LGBTQIA+ individuals struggling with compulsory heterosexuality. Compulsory or compulsive heterosexuality is what results when individuals struggle to identify their “true” sexual orientation because of the impact of being socialized by heteronormativity. This often shows up in queer women and lesbians, who may struggle with questions around if their attraction to men is genuine or just a response to the messages they were taught growing up.
Due to these heteronormative messages that are expressed, LGBTQIA+ individuals often are socialized to believe that being non-heterosexual is wrong, less-than, or immoral. These messages can lead to feelings of self-disgust and self-hatred as one takes in and believes these ideas. A large part of internalized homophobia is the feelings of deep shame that develop. For many individuals, this shame is directly related to feelings that there is something deeply you flawed with the individual as a person, based on their identity. Messages that cause someone to hate themself because of their identity can be especially damaging, as this is an aspect of the person that cannot change. These messages are a form of societal oppression meant to enforce the gender binary, oppress LGBTQIA+ individuals, and keep heterosexual relationships in a position of dominance and privilege.
There are many ways that internalized homophobia can show up in one’s life. Oftentimes it just might be an internal feeling of being wrong or bad. This internal feeling can cause individuals to deny their identity—to both themselves and others in their life.
Denial can range from aggressive and hateful behavior all the way to simply denying yourself an authentic life. It might show up as a teenager having a crush on a friend but convincing themself everyone experiences these feelings or even fully convincing themself they only like their friend in the “acceptable” way. It might show up as an individual forcing a partner to keep their secret, lie about their relationship, or remain in the closet.
Sometimes denial can result in feeling as though you are unable to come out, even if you want to. This may lead individuals to attempt to change or alter their sexual orientation. Oftentimes when an individual is denying parts of their own sexuality to themself, they may also deny that homophobia or other forms of bigotry based around identity even exist. This could show up as a gay person who states, “Gay marriage is legal now, gay people have equal rights. Why are there still conversations around gay rights?” The most dangerous form of denial is when it leads to the individual engaging in homophobic behaviors themself, such as ridicule, harassment, or even physical attacks on other LGBTQIA+ individuals.
Photo by Emily Webster via Unsplash
Another way the impact of internalized homophobia can show up is through trouble in both romantic and non-romantic relationships. When an individual is dealing with internalized homophobia, they might struggle with getting close to others because they’ll learn “the truth” about them. This can lead to loneliness or isolation, which creates a cycle of not getting close to others because you don’t think you are worth it. Low self-esteem and internalized shame lead to secrecy and can prevent an individual from trusting even those closest to them. An individual might deny themself sexual satisfaction, have deep shame related to intimate encounters, or only be able to have non-emotionally intimate sexual encounters. When shame is more severe, verbal, emotional, or physical abuse within friendships and romantic relationships can occur.
Internalized homophobia can impact an individual’s mental and physical health. Dealing with intense shame of the self can lead to depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide, anger outbursts, eating disorders, substance abuse, and self-esteem issues. Dealing with marginalization in one’s daily life is a form of chronic stress. Due to this chronic stress placed upon the body, internalized homophobia can lead to sleep issues, increased susceptibility to illness, high blood pressure, heart disease, headaches, and digestive issues. Oftentimes, even when LGBTQIA+ individuals notice something is physically wrong, they don’t seek help or are not provided help due to homophobia among the healthcare field. Seeking medical help often leads to experiences of further marginalization, which only continues to exacerbate the underlying issues.
Photo by Teddy Österblom via Unsplash
Internalized homophobia can also show up in the form of horizontal oppression. Horizontal oppression is the cycle of abuse within the LGBTQIA+ community. When an LGBTQIA+ individual is subjected to homophobia, heteronormativity, and hate based around who they are, sometimes they end up discriminating against other LGBTQIA+ individuals on the basis of their identity. This can show up as feelings of disgust or judgement towards individuals who don’t express themselves in the “appropriate” way to blend in with heterosexuals, anger and resentment at individuals who are out and proud, or even discrimination in the form of gender policing and shaming. This can be related to anger at the way other LGBTQIA+ people are representing the community, beliefs that LGBTQIA+ rights are no longer questioned, and a failing to recognize the interconnected forms of oppression faced by others within the community such as racism, sexism, classism, ableism, and transphobia.
Internalized homophobia can have a major impact on an individual’s coming out process. Being closeted is linked to the same impacts of chronic stress, such as higher anxiety, low self-esteem, and suicide risk. When LGBTQIA+ issues are discussed, coming out almost always is a central discussion. For many individuals, coming out can be big step towards dealing with internalized homophobia. It often relieves the pressures of living a secret life or of having to lie to those closest to you. It can also be an extremely empowering act that increases self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.
However, for many, coming out can also be extremely dangerous. Coming out is often directly linked to experiences of violence, harm, and marginalization. When a person expresses hesitation around coming out or only comes out in certain situations, it is not always an indication of internalized homophobia. It is not always safe to come out. Even if you are fully proud of who you are, the world can still be a very dangerous place to those who are seen as “other.” Being closeted can be a form of safety, instead of a specific indicator of internalized homophobia.
How can I work through internalized homophobia?
So now you know what internalized homophobia is, but how can you work through it? These messages are often deeply ingrained in the way that we view ourselves and the world as a whole. The first step in overcoming internalized homophobia is by recognizing it exists. Once you understand that you feel internalized stigma, you can actively work to fight it.
Educate yourself: Read about internalized homophobia and compulsory heterosexuality. You are not wrong or crazy for dealing with these thoughts. Learn about all the different ways this phenomenon can impact your life.
Think critically: How is internalized homophobia currently impacting your life? Oftentimes we have never given thought to all the external influences that impact our values, thoughts about ourselves, and thoughts about the world. Do you remember when you first learned about sexual orientation? How about gender? Ask yourself questions and take the time to think critically on your answers.
Practice self-awareness: Be aware of the negative reactions you are having. Recognize your critical self-talk and judgements of others. Each time you catch yourself doing these things, examine the source. Is the thought you’re having your own or are you repeating something you were told? How do you feel about yourself when you notice these thoughts?
Learn more about LGBTQ history: Learn about the history of the LGBTQ+ rights movement. Find role models in the community you look up to, whether they’re people you know or celebrities. Respect the diversity of the LGBTQ+ community. Watch movies and shows or read books that explore the history of the LGBTQ+ community.
Build a support network: Having a support network is essential. Connect with other members of the LGBTQ+ community, whether it is in real life or online. Talk to your current support network about what you are feeling and what you need. The compassion and support of the LGBTQ+ community and allies can help you learn how to love yourself, even when internalized homophobia makes it feel next to impossible.
Remove toxic influences from your life (if possible): For many, these toxic influences can include their family, religion, friends, or workplace. It is not always possible to remove these influences from your life. If you’re able to, only surround yourself with individuals who lift you up and allow you to feel good about yourself. If you’re at a point where the only thing you can do is to focus on yourself and your own actions, that is still enough.
Find a LGBTQ affirmative therapist: An LGBTQ+ affirming therapist can help you process your feelings of internalized homophobia and understand where they come from. A therapist can also be another source of support. Find a therapist you trust and feel comfortable opening up to.
Come out (if safe): As discussed before, there are many barriers that can impact coming out. Coming out is not a fix-all remedy or solution to internalized homophobia, as it can come with its own set of struggles and consequences. However, if safe to do so, coming out can lead to feelings of self-love, empowerment, and self-worth. Take time to think about the different impacts coming out could have on the different aspects of your life.
Remember: Internalized homophobia is not your fault. There is not something sick or wrong with you because you have these thoughts or feelings. It is not something you need to cure or get rid of. You were taught these beliefs by our heteronormative society; they didn’t just come from your own head unprompted. The first step to dealing with internalized homophobia is recognizing the impact it is having on your life.
Meet the Author: Abgial Smith, LGPC
Abby offers therapy for individuals and couples at Space Between Counseling Services. She specializes in working with individuals in the LGBTQ+ community and current or former sex workers. She is also extremely passionate about working with individuals who are struggling with identity development. Over the last few months of quarantine, Abby has been spending lots of time baking new recipes (chocolate chip banana bundt cake…yum!), playing Mario Kart double dash, and learning sign language.